Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

This is far too funny for me not to share.
I have written none of it but wish I had.

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative besides reinforcing an important lesson, The Bible should be considered in totality

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24 :10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

sTuFf

I should have tons to say but the words are slipping from my mind. The past few weeks have been filled with back to back stuff. Good stuff and bad stuff, old stuff and new stuff, wild stuff and boring stuff, stuff.

I can't seem to figure out where my head is at. Worried ever so slightly about the future and trying to live for today - I'm a fish out of water, gasping for air and praying for someone to save me.

Grandma had a stroke in the first week of the new year but she's much better now. My aunt had an angiogram the week before to see if she needed a bypass but she doesn't thankfully. The parentals are healthy and well though some of their actions would make it appear as though they were off-kilter, but that's a trait I find with most parents of late - or maybe it's actually something to do with me ...

Had a great conversation with an old mate the other day who is in a similar boat. You'd think that there would be tons of us lurking around but since I've come home to la la land, I've come to terms that it's no longer the Toronto I once knew but a settled plot of land with a bunch of settled people that I vaguely recognise. Where am I?

It seems as though someone is getting engaged or married as often as I see people get on and off buses in the city. I found out about another three 'weddings to be' on Friday alone. Does this worry me? I am not too sure since I'm still grasping my surroundings and footing. It does worry my father - in a more obscure way - worried that I may be single for naught to do with man, but for the possibility that I may be a lesbian. I find that highly amusing and I reckon that he and my mother have been watching too much television.

To back track now, I would like to say grace for my friend Michaelangelo J.D. Montano who passed away at approximately 9 a.m., January 6th of this month and year.

A very spirited young man who enjoyed life to the fullest, a person whose outgoing and warm personality made friends where ever he went, Michael was a well loved man who will be dearly missed and never forgotten.

To everyone - cherish your loved ones now, and always.