Spiraling into a deep dark abyss. That's what happens when I think right now. To hide myself from life I close my eyes and pray, pray to the almighty potato that be or whatever super power there is out there, that the pain will just go away.
The pain of disappointment, of being lost and of lonliness. The realisation of change and the reality of life unemployed. My futile attempts and making myself pretend that I'm happy when I'm really not. The everything that makes my heart ache and chest weak when I know it's just in my head. That pain.
The past few days I've couped myself up and watched Grey's Anatomy back to back. I think I'm in love. It's taken me on an emotional roller coaster ride that I've been itching for - that I've been missing. How sad is that? I laugh to myself in a "hello, I'm crazy and my middle name is insane" type of way because I know it's sad, yet I continue to swim through its river.
Silence. With the occasional creak of the house, low humming of my computer and the sound of suburbia from the window. It's calmingly driving me crazy. I've had time to think, really think about what I want to do. Big Sigh. But with so many options and so much time, it doesn't get easy, but life is no fun when it's easy.
That being said, sometimes I wish that things were back to the way they were. Men were 'gentlemen', ladies were 'lady like', the choice of career was limited and you did what you had to do to get by and you tried, when you remembered, to appreciate what you had, not because of the imminent (or not so imminent but propaganda'd influence of threat) threat to your survival, but because you truly appreciated that piece of meat you had for the month because you never knew the next time you were going to have meat.
We're spoiled. We're an ingrateful, instant gratification wanting, screaming heathen group of wants over needs, lots of choices and options but we're picky kind of spoiled generation. And I'm no innocent victim. I truly want to change ... but how. That's the part I've been tearing my hair out over. That and what I want to do with my life. Because if it isn't 'society' and it's standards putting pressure on me, or my parents who do love me but don't know how to express it in the best way, or my friends, then it's me. And all that really matters in the long run is me. I'm not saying this in a selfish manner, but when it comes to my life, the decisions I make are mine and mine alone and I alone suffer and take credit for my choices and actions.
So, now it's time to hop off the fence and stand firm, something I was never great at doing.
Rah rah sis boom bah. I'm trying to find the light, I just can't get my hands on the switch.
